I Broke My Lens

One of the last photos I took with my now broken lens.

I broke my lens. I can't tell you how sad this makes me feel. Maybe sad isn't the right word. Devastated. Distraught. Horrified. Some combination of those plus some other twisted thoughts that haven't been consolidated enough to form a word.

The worst part? How my fucking stupidity led to it's demise. My wife and I had been out of town for the weekend, visiting my parents. It had been a really pleasant and relaxing weekend - something we both desperately needed - and we were taking the Greyhound bus home. We rolled into Kitchener and were let off at the bus station then waited patiently as the driver opened the side of the bus up to reveal a mass of luggage. Now, I'm not silly enough to put an expensive lens in the cargo hold of this big behemoth of a bus. That's just absurd. No, I instead had it in it's own case, it's handle gripped tightly in my hand, my camera bag strap wrapped securely across my shoulders. I don't mess around with this stuff - I keep it secure.

Finally, our turn came to grab our bags out of the bottom of the bus. My wife grabbed her small travel bag and I reached for my back pack. No big deal, right? You would think. But somehow my brain had a lapse, a miscalculation...I don't know, maybe a mental fart - it's hard to articulate as I still don't quite understand what happened.

Of course back packs have a reason for their name - after pulling my pack out of the bus, I obviously went to toss it on to my back. As I threw my arm into one of the straps I inadvertently (and inexplicably) let go of the lens case handle. At the time, not only did this seem like a normal thing to do, but it felt like it would be beyond stupid NOT to do this act. (This is usually the moment when Wile E. Coyote looks questioningly at the viewer as he hovers above an abyss and the cliff edge is juuust out of reach) However, that feeling only lasted a single moment and was immediately replaced with utter terror as I helplessly watched the lens case drop in slow-motion towards the ground. If this was a TV show, there probably would have been a baritone drawn out "Nooooooo!". But this was real life and instead I just stared, lips slowly parting, as the realization of this calamity dawned on the brain that had so epically failed me just a few synapse bursts before.

And with the "clunk" of the lens hitting the pavement, time immediately reverted back to its normal pace. The next few minutes felt like an out of body experience as I could see myself calmly reaching down, picking up the case, opening it, pulling out the lens and seeing the front lens element knocked out of place due to cracking in the casing that holds the element. I quickly put the lens back in it's case, expressionless, and headed to catch a cab. My poor wife looked at me with a pretty terrified look on her face, waiting for me to snap, get angry, or have any kind of a reaction at all. But I was too much in a comatose state to really process what had just happened.

Heading to our home in the cab, reality slowly started to sink in - it was a very depressing feeling. I felt numb, my mind felt blank, and my stomach felt slightly sick.

This happened about a month ago and I still really haven't dealt with it. The lens originally cost me about $850 after shipping and taxes and sure that's a big part of the sickness I feel around it. I probably can get it repaired and it'll run me around $350 which obviously flat out sucks. But more than anything, I'm just usually not careless with my stuff. I take care of things I own. I protect them. It's part of my identity. And the stupid way that I destroyed this lens feels like I destroyed a little bit of my identity along with it. I still haven't called up the manufacturer to find out how much this will be to repair. Sure $350 is a lot of money - a lot of money I really don't have. But I think I'm just avoiding the reality that this lens is broken and that my spirit is a little bit broken and it chips away the confidence I have in myself that I do things right and everyone else does things wrong. Maybe that's for the best. Obviously this is crazy and the lens is a simple object that can be replaced. But it certainly feels a lot worse than that fact. And I really don't want to deal with it.

Interview with Rainbow Reels Queer Film Festival

Check out my interview on THEMUSEUM Blog with Cassandra from Rainbow Reels Queer Film Festival.

To LOL or Not to LOL

We live in an age where the English language has been completely mutilated by 140 characters, where abbrev's (see what I did there?) have taken precedence over proper grammar and spelling. I'm OK with this since I'm not a language purist and believe that language is a living thing that constantly changes and evolves based on it's surroundings and usage. And with the advent of the Internet, the change in the English language has been exponential - lots of new terms and words are created seemingly everyday. In fact, you might say that a new subset of the English language has been created that's completely dedicated to the online world where words like "pwned" "fail" "brb" and "lol" are common place. It's that last term, "lol" that I've come to discuss today.

Now, I've never been a huge fan of LOL, lol, llloollll, lolz or any of it's other incarnations. For those not in the know, it means laughing out loud (although I don't know how you found this obscure blog if you don't know what LOL is). It's job is to convey the idea of one laughing when communicating online, but I don't think it does it's job particularly well. Laughter is not a straightforward thing.  There are many types of laughter and varying degrees of laughter.  LOL is just not flexible enough to properly capture how much or little I'm laughing and thus it loses all meaning. Especially when certain people (and you know who they are) use LOL in response to any comment (funny or not) and also proceed to place it at the end of every sentence they type. It's like some strange form of insecurity.

I think we've hit a LOL Saturation Point (or as I like to say LSP, mostly because I'm a firm believer that the Internet doesn't have enough acronyms). And I'd like to offer up a number of alternatives for you to add to your online arsenal.

I'm a big fan of using variations of "ha" to express my laughter. It has all of the versatility that I'm looking for. If I like something and it makes me smirk a simple "haha" will do. In fact, I can really change how intense my laughter is by just extending the number of "ha's" I string together. A smirk will only get a "haha" but a video of someone falling or getting kicked in the nads (btw, I haven't heard the word "nads" since at least grade 6) will get a "hahahahhahahah". Notice that I accidentally had an extra "h" in there. That was truly an accident but it helps to sell the sincerity of the laugh. If I'm reacting very strongly, I can add in capitalization - "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA". Man that was funny! If something is a surprising guffaw, try "HA!". If you want more of a nervous laugh, try "hehe". Although technically not a "ha", "hehe" is definitely in the same family. There are other variations too that I don't necessarily use but are also acceptable. "Bahahahaha!" is an example.

This is not to say that I don't use "LOL" but I prefer to use it specifically for occasions where I truly am laughing out loud. And I use it seldom enough that it maintains its relevancy and meaning.

Anyway, this is my lesson for the day. These are the things I think about. It's true. Ask my wife and anticipate the eye roll followed by a smirk. You might even get a "haha" out of her.

Looking for Inspiration

As you may know, one of my passions and definitely my favourite creative outlet is photography.  I've always toyed with the idea of getting a bit more serious about photography and attempting to do it for dolla-dolla-bills-yo but have always hesitated to really jump in feet first.  There are a number of reasons for this: my skills aren't quite where I want them to be yet. I don't have the backup equipment to render my services accident proof.  I'm a bit scared of negative criticism. But I also worry about taking the fun out of it.

What's really great is that with my new-ish job I get to do a lot of the in house photography.  I do events, I do stock photos, pictures of the exhibitions...most of the website is made up of images that I shot.  But last night with the opening of Searching for Tom I felt a lack of inspiration.  I still got the images I needed and some shots I really liked.  But it was the first time that photography felt like a job. It kinda scared me.

Time for my usual counterargument: It was a pretty crazy week of work and yesterday was particularly stressful with me not even getting an instant to think about photographing that night until the moment I pulled out my camera to check my cards were dumped right as people started to congregate for the event.  I usually like to give myself an hour before a shoot begins to mentally prepare. Get in the photography frame of mind. Yesterday did not lend itself to that luxury. I was tired. Everyone was tired, stressed. It was a workman like event...not my usual way of shooting. Also, I've now shot in the atrium at work so many times, it's sometimes hard to get creative when you become very familiar with the space. So, it probably was a bit of an aberration. That's what I've concluded.

But as I look through my images from the past few months, I can't help but notice that most of them are related somehow to work. Which in some ways is great as I get to do something I love as part of my every day job. But it also saddens me to see that I'm not shooting as much just for me. There's been a "forced" quality to my stuff for the past few months. You can tell by my lack of posting on Flickr.

So as the title says, I'm looking for a little inspiration. A new certain something to get me back shooting for pleasure again. New places and spaces usually inspire me, so maybe I just need to explore a bit. What I really need is a proper vacation, but that's a whole other post.

Anyway, let me know if you have any ideas!

So what have I been up to?

Two posts for the price of one today!  So inspired by my last post, I figured I might as well keep it going.

Prior to my post earlier today, I hadn't been around here since September.  Bad form, yes I know.  But it's not like I've been wasting away!  I've been actually quite productive for the past few months.  My wife and I moved to Kitchener, Ontario from Hamilton for my new job as Digital Media & Marketing Coordinator. I spearheaded a new website, kicked ass on the organization's twitter and facebook accounts, relaunched 3 new e-newsletters, started the organization's first-ever content creation committee and am generally having a lot of fun creating an engaging online experience for a brand that likes to do cool shit (as we say internally).  All in all, it's been a good transition.

We're still trying to figure out Kitchener/Waterloo.  Many think of Hamilton as a blight on the map of Canada, but it truly is an incredible place with a surprising mix of grassroots culture, industry, natural beauty, architecture, and a supportive community.  When I tell people in KW that I moved from Hamilton, they look at me as if I'm one of the lucky refugees who made it out of a war-torn country.  And when I try to explain that they just don't get Hamilton or express how great it is, they then look at me like I have Stockholm Syndrome or something.  I'm then told how much better it is here: more jobs & money, lots of stuff to do, lots of young ambitious types, great optimism about the future of the community, good culture, etc.  All seemingly true, but I can't shake this feeling of everything being extremely manufactured here.  Nothing seems quite real or organic - everything very plastic.

Before you jump all over me on this, at this point, this is just an overall impression.  I'm really not qualified at all to turn this into an opinion as I haven't gone out enough, explored enough, or lived here enough to make a proper judgement.  Hell, it took me 6 years of living in Hamilton (to be fair - 4 of them as a student of McMaster) before I felt like I "got" Steeltown and understood what a unique gem it was.  I'm not writing off KW in the least - I'm excited to be here and attempt to integrate myself within the cultural framework. (In case you didn't notice, that was my anti-flame paragraph)

Without a car, "going out" funds, and situating ourselves in the suburban wasteland of the Stanley Park Mall area, my wife and I haven't exactly set ourselves up for success.  I like to think that being an employee of a significant cultural institution will help to counteract this situation.  But living near every possible convenience doesn't help to quell my impression of this being the land of big-box stores and chains and franchises, squeezing the life out of independent retail and authentic ethnic food, all of this effectively crushing this community's cultural soul.  Where are the starving artists transforming formerly derelict areas into bohemian havens? Where is the music scene? Why is the closest bar to me at least a 30 minute walk away? Why are people excited about another franchise, a Firkin Pub, opening up? Why are Kitchener and Waterloo two different cities and why do people think they're so different from each other? And the one question that really puzzles me, WHY DO PEOPLE THINK KITCHENER IS SKETCHY? Have you ever been to another city before? Seriously, this deserves a whole post unto itself.  As my wife said, if you know the names of all the crack addicts, it's not a sketchy downtown. /rant.

Seriously though, I actually like it here so far.  I'm just still in the adjustment phase of moving. But after first living in Windsor and then Hamilton, there is something unnerving about living in a city with no poverty.  It's like I'm trying to find other things wrong with the place because it doesn't make any sense.  I'm looking forward to getting out of winter though, a time that makes every city seem boring.  I look to the summer with excitement and anticipation for a chance to truly explore and get to know our new home.

So this post really went from an update to a weird pseudo-rant.  Maybe as I begin to write more often again I'll have a bit more focus.

Hello? Anyone home?

So in case you didn't notice, I've been a bit absent from the blogosphere.  My apologies.  I hope you didn't miss me too much.  Actually scratch that - I hope you really missed me...that would mean that my online writing services are actually worthwhile and that there's a reason for me to come on here and write every now and then. I just hope you're not too angry with me for abandoning all of you faithful readers for so long.

I've been putting this off for way too long, but it feels good to be writing again.  Maybe you're asking "what's your excuse for disappearing for so long?".  I really don't have a good answer to that.  Laziness? There was a period of time where I was super busy setting up my new life in Kitchener, but things definitely calmed down enough for months now where that excuse does not pass any muster (am I using that phrase right?). So I'm going with laziness.

It's definitely one of those situations where once you start to put something off, it begins to gnaw at your subconscious and you keep putting it off due to embarrassment, guilt - you know, that bad feeling in the pit of your stomach each time you realize that there's something you should be doing but you're not quite ready to do it yet.

So here I am.  I really don't have anything important to say - but that's been one of my excuses for not writing for quite some time now.  Oftentimes we put off doing something because it isn't quite right yet.  I've found that in my life it's often important to just go ahead and do something rather than wait for the ideal moment, idea, situation...even if that means producing something you're not quite proud of.  The simple act of doing often is worthwhile in its own right.

Anyway, this is a rambling post without any point.  But it does feel good to be writing again.  I'm really going to make a concerted effort to make this more regular.  Hopefully the people who follow along here will hold my feet to the fire :)